Weighing It Out | Why Girls Are Weird

Friday, March 19, 2010

Weighing It Out

Today's guest blogger is Allyson from Magnolias and Mimosas.


I'm so honored to be guest blogging for Krysten while she's off swimming up to bars and basking in Mexican sunshine. I'm not at all jealous of her laid back vacation or quality alone time with hubs (huge, pants-flaming lie). I hope she has oodles of fun and comes back with many stories, which may or may not include spending the night in Mexican jail for getting busted bang-banging in the tiki bar bathroom. I totally want to hear that story if it happens!

I have fretted and hawed and wrung my hands over what to write here on After I Do. And I've decided to go with the pro's and con's of actually saying I do to Neal just 3 1/2 short years ago.
I'm an honorary member of the Partridge Family, so let's start with the pro's:

1. No. More. Dating. No more "is he into me?"...no more calling myself from BFF's phone just to make sure Verizon hasn't pulled the plug on the whole giants-of-the-cell-phone-
industry thing...no more waiting for him to say I love you first (which could take approximately 6.4 million years). It's just me and him and a whole wardrobe of elastic waistband sweats and stretched-out Wal-Mart bras.

2. If he mans up, you will no longer have to explain your manhands to the sweet ladies of Foxy Nails. Most men take carnal pleasure in manly chores...mowing the grass, changing the oil, building patios. You are now released from all housework involving lawn care, car maintenance, and paint (except that my coffee-infused hand is actually much steadier than Neal's. I don't trust him with the trim around the ceiling or the baseboards. He can have at anything in between).

3. There is such a thing as a life insurance policy and it's not an option until you say I do. (Yes, I realize there is a gay marriage battle going on right now and civil liberties are being trampled on with Manolo Blahniks...I'm more referring to the "friends with benefits" folks). The key is to purchase a policy that will cover living expenses in the untimely death of your spouse, but not motivate the police to search your house for rat poison. Very fine line it is.

4. If done correctly, it means spending the rest of your days (or the rest of his days) with your best friend. This means you will have a companion for every road trip, dinner, and movie for many years to come. Ironically, the longer you are with this person, the more you will tend to go to movies with your girlfriends, dinner with your parents, and road trip with your college friends. Huh. Sometimes you will want to see a flick and not have someone talk through the whole thing. Shocking, I know. If done incorrectly, you will be tempted to purchase a multi-million dollar life insurance policy and a bottle of rat poison from Lowe's. See #3 for my thoughts on this. Goodbye Earl is just a song, girls...it's not a suggestion.

5. You get to play a lifetime of Barbie Dollhouse. Good-bye tiny plastic pink furniture...hello Haverty's! Whether you're in an 800 square foot condo or a 5-bedroom home, playing house is still fun. Even the cooking is not so bad (if you have the right apron). And you can still dress Ken. In fact, I'm pretty sure he needs to be dressed. Left to his own devices, Ken will choose Hawaiian button-downs and acid wash jeans. If you don't want to be embarrassed, shop for Ken every time you're at a Gap, Banana Republic or Structure (do they even have Structure anymore? Maybe that should be J. Crew).

And now for the downside, which is less "con" and more "requires an adjustment period"....

1. Men, in their natural state, are somewhat slovenly. Even my husband, the unicorn, leaves coffee stains on the counter and beard hair in the sink. But we knew this going in. It's why we don't walk around fraternity houses barefoot or eat anything from a bachelor's kitchen. We just have to smell the freshly mowed grass to remember that life is a trade-off.

2. Sometimes the key to a happy marriage is separate bathrooms. Realize this early on and it could save you thousands of dollars in therapy or, worst yet, attorney's fees. Do you want to raise the lid to find floaties that aren't yours? And short n' curlies are really only cute when they're still attached to the Thunder Down Under...not when they're clinging from your bar of soap. Sometimes the need for separate bathrooms justifies putting the house on the market. Consider yourself warned.

3. Men have selective vision and hearing and memory. He may notice the squirrel noshing on a nut from 600 paces but will completely miss the new living room furniture arrangement (until he breaks his pinkie toe on the corner of the just moved couch. I consider this appropriate penance. You shouldn't let guilt take hold of you over this. He should have noticed). Also? If you are supposed to have dinner with your parents/co-ed baby shower/chick flick movie night...you will need to douse your house in post-it note reminders. And there is a very good chance that, somehow, he will still forget. But who won the Super Bowl in 1986? It can be recalled in a matter of seconds. One of life's great mysteries. Along with the pyramids.

4. Living day in and day out comes with some conditions of acceptance. Like the fact that Neal knows every word to every song played on the 70's XM channel. Every. Word. Sometimes they are accompanied by hand gestures and facial expressions. Very entertaining at first...can get old around the 16th hour of driving. And there are Man Vs. Wild marathons. I personally think that Bear Grylls, while HAWTTY-HOT, is a bit of a diva. I think he chooses to eat eel testicles when, in fact, there is a perfectly good quail perched just 5 feet away. And when asked to cook, Neal will inevitably turn to stir-fry...which I loathe. But none of these are deal-breakers. Just part of having a roommate...a roommate who will get half of everything if you don't find a way to work it out.

5. Forever is a really long time. If you do it correctly (see #4, pros) then forever is well forever. But I think I finally got it right so I would actually like to lump that into the pro category. Don't get me wrong...it's not all surprises with flowers and wrapping me in warm towels fresh from the dryer after a shower. But it is a lot of coffee by the bed in the morning and cars scraped clean of ice in the winter. I can forgive a little snoring in my ear...I can forgive it for...well... forever.


14 wonderful thoughts:

Meghan

You had me at "beard hair in the sink"! My hubby does the same thing and it drives me crazy. Great post:)

kallaydoscope

Pardon the girl comment...

You make me want to get married. Or at the very least, play house. I can wait for this day, since I know when it gets here I will be ready. But this makes my head spin with possibility. Great post Ally. And also entertaining, as always. "floaties that aren't yours" *giggle*

Salt

Luckily all the cons were something that I dealt with pre-marriage, so the adjustment period isn't quite as bad. This includes beard hair in the sink. I had no idea that Neal was a unicorn!!!

But seriously I cannot wait until we have a house and separate bathrooms are an option. I think it's the one thing we are really lacking right now.

The Only Girl

ha! Love it! I agree - separate bathrooms . . . and now and then separate beds can work too what with the snoring and all.

foxy

You know, I really think you're onto something with the separate bathrooms. The brilliance of that should not be underestimated. Said bathroom could house the floor where he kicks off his shoes and throws his drawers about. Seriously, that crap irritates me like no other.

Excellent post, per usual, Ally. Cheers and happy weekend!

Shana

I swear Neal and J are long lost brothers. You and I have already discussed beard hair in the sink!

This was a fabulous post...I loved it.

daisychain

excellent post :)

Hutch

#1 pro for marriage = my #1 reason for not wanting to date at the moment. I hate, hate, HATE that part! (cringing thinking about it) Although I'm not ready for some of the cons just yet, so maybe that's a good thing :)

Amanda

You had ME at Thunder Down Under. I hate hair in any form not attached to a person. But marriage is wonderful, I love every second of it. Well not EVERY second but you have made many, many valid points. I'd love a separate bathroom. Enough with the beard hair, people. ENOUGH.

OceanDreams

This was such an amazing post! I'm not married yet and already I am starting to think about everything that BK is going to do to make me go mad! Better run while I can, ha ha!

webb

Marriage has been so much better than I expected - all 25 years of it! Separate bathrooms are great - but two sinks go a long way toward helping make things work better, especially if you clean your own and he cleans his! Even after all these years when he grabs my hand, or kisses the top of my head as he walks thru the room, or pulls me close in the way only he can do it.... my heart flip flops just like it did in year one. It's definitely worth waiting for the right person and hanging in there for teh long haul. Good post!

amber renee

eeeek love this blog, the idea is so cute. AND THE LAYOUT -- ee, glad to find you. from the 20sb comment group and stopping by to say hello! very happy to meet you and all of the wonderful people there. would love to swap links, be friends, etc! feel free to add your link to our link directory~ xoxo

Kristin

Playing house IS fun! Fabulous feature lady!

Kelly @ Dare to be Domestic

Allyson this is awesome! I laughed a lot through this entire thing. Especially the XM 70's radio singing complete with gestures. M does that too, only it's Pearl Jam songs and he plays drums and guitar on the wheel.

The bathroom comment is a great one. However oddly enough M and I do well sharing one bathroom, with one sink in very small quarters - I always giggle at the couples when they are house hunting on HGTV and they insist on double sinks. It makes me laugh because M and I do so well but deep down Double Sinks would be a DREAM!

P.S. The Dressing Ken party and playing house were my favorites!

WELL DONE! ox