Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Negative.

Yesterday,
I spent a lot of the day doing this:

and eating way too many of these

and these.


Ugh. I try really hard to be positive and happy, especially on this blog. Because I feel like if I'm not the I will break down. And if I break down I may never stop crying. And frankly, crying makes my eyes hurt, it gives me headaches and I look DISGUSTING when I cry.

But life just isn't as great as I always thought it would be. And not in the "damn, I thought being an adult would be an easy, awesome fairytale" kind of way but in the "all I wanted was to be able to pay my bills every month and not be so scared of money that I might want to sell my car" kind of way.

In all honestly, I feel like a failure. And no amount of anyone telling me that's not true will make me feel any better. Because at the end of the day I could have done SOMETHING to prevent myself from losing my job. I could have stopped myself from slacking in school sooner and finished. I could be a better person than I actually am. And it's all MY FAULT.

I'm not writing this to get pity from anyone. I'm writing it because these are the feelings I go through every single day. I'm writing it because I need to get my fears out of my head.

I just want a damn job. Any job. Anything that will give me a stable paycheck every two weeks that will help me pay some of the bills. I just want SOMETHING. I'm not a bad person. I made a mistake that cost me my job. So now, when each application asks if I've ever been fired, I have to say YES. And I hate that. Because I'm scared that that is what is costing me to still be jobless 4 months later.

Life is not all roses. It's not even dandelions right now.

And, to be totally honest, I'm not sure when it will get better. I'm trying very hard to be positive but right now I'm really feeling negative.

Photobucket

77 wonderful thoughts:

The Non-Student

Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. It's really hard naming the things that scare us most, and I really appreciate you doing that here. We're here for you. Sending prayers and hugs your way!

Ang

First, Cheese Puffs, whether they are a comfort food or just something you want to eat because you're hungry, are always a positive decision. So far, so good.

Second... have you ever thought of getting a job through a temp agency? It doesn't always promise 40 hours a week, but at least you'd have something going on while you continue to look for the job you want. It may not be ideal, but it sounds like you need to be keeping busy right now.

I truly hope things turn around for you, and soon; I hate to see my friends sad and negative.

Caro

If you where in Canada I'd have a job for you in a heart beat.

The New Mrs

I will continue to keep you in my thoughts... I hope that something comes your way very soon! Hang in there :)

Sarah

I think one of the hardest, yet most admirable things is to admit your faults and the mistakes you've made. You'll get through this. At some point you have to come to peace with what happened, put it out there, talk about it, analyze it and then decide to put it behind you once and for all, before it begins to hold you back. You can do it. Everything will be ok....you just have to get there.

I totally agree with the whole temp agency thing. I worked for a temp agency in Chicago all through my college summers. It was perfect. Might be something to check into. Don't be afraid to let it all out and show your emotions, just know better things are around the corner. :)

Caity

Aww hun, I really admire you for being so open and honest. I really can appreciate that. I've been working as a substitute teacher for a year and a half now and it really pains me that I don't have my own classroom and a real job. People look down on me when I have the same degree as them and I'm fully capable. It's frustrating nowadays. I hear you. You will get through it, though, and so will I! We are both competent, nice, and awesome people and we will make it in this world!

Yay for oreos! :)

carissa @ lowercase letters

i hope you can smile today. you are so not a failure... you have a bright future ahead... so many possibilities... you just may not be aware of them all yet!

Ruth

Oh dear. I know exactly how you feel. I think that at some point, everyone does. So you're not alone. Sometimes it's difficult for me to even get out of bed in the morning, or put on a smile in front of my sister, or to answer phone calls or texts. We all go through ups and downs, and right now I'm just praying our downs will be over soon! Thank you for sharing this though, and being so downright honest. I like blogs like that best :)

Helena - A Diary of Lovely

ill email you now
xo

Staley Mc

Sorry you are feeling so down! I hope things start to get better for you! Thinking positive for you!

daisychain

I so hope you feel better soon lovey x

Brittany Ann

I have been where you are. I know how scared you're feeling right now! Just hang on to at least a teensy bit of hope! It will get better! Vent away here when you need to! We're here for you!

Smart Ass Sara

Cheese puffs are in the four food groups, twice. One for bread, one for dairy so as far as I'm concerned- you are on the track to healthy eating.

Second, girl- chin up! You can do this. If people ask you if you've been fired- say yes but don't stop there. Let them know that it actually was a positive thing. You may be thinking I've lost my damn mind- but I haven't. By you losing that job you've gone back to school. You've gotten a writing gig. And most importantly? You've learned how to be a better employee. Make future employers KNOW this right up front. Even if you have to attach a typed letter onto an application at McDonald's. You can do this. You are a good person and you have a lot to offer. Even if you end up working at a McDonald's part time- it's better than nothing. AND even if it sucks, it got your foot into the door for something bigger and better. Use that unemployment for all it's worth and spread the Krysten word. :)

naomemandeflores

I really hope you fell better now and I'm sure you'll get a lovely job soon! Stay strong (and away from the cheese puffs)!

Chana

I am so impressed with your ability to be so raw and real with your feelings. Sometimes, we all just need days like you are (were) having. Its like a heavy rain storm that pounds down and helps awaken all the scary feelings we've been ignoring. If you are like me, the purging is what helps it all to have new perspective.

It's hard to see it, and no one likes to hear it...but everything does happen for a reason. There is a plan, even if you can't peek around the corner and meet it just yet. In the meantime, I think letting it out was the first step! Next, I like the idea of the temp agency. My BFF who was fired did the same thing, and the temp agency actually emplyoed her 40 hours a week for over a year! Also, Ebay is always a great way to earn extra cash! Raid your closet and put up some clothes you don't wear anymore!

You will be just fine!

Brittany

My favorite blogs are when people let their guard down. I admire your honesty! You really are incredible!

It'll happen. Chin up. There is a plan for your life.. this is just part of it. Enjoy each second of your day, and keep looking for your job. I know how stressful it can be, but when you least expect something awesome will happen.

Never be scared to be vulnerable with us! You rock and were here to support!

likeagiraffe

it's really, really tough for a lot of people right now... my dad lost his job at 57, and can't find another one. anywhere. and that's after a LIFETIME of working and working and working to support his family.

the point of that fun little fact isn't to paint an even more dire picture, but to let you know that you're not alone. that a lot of the trouble you're having has less to do with any perceived mistakes on your part, and more to do with the fact that it's just really, really hard to get a job right now. i have friends who have been through college and grad school who can't find anything... i have no doubt that things will change for you soon. you're great. some company will recognize that. plus, if you're moving to florida anyway... maybe you're perfect job is there waiting! :)

Salt

Every time I eat cheese puffs, my fingers are stained orange for days. But they are awesome comfort food. :)

I'm glad that you wrote out your feelings. Just don't be too hard on yourself. You could have just continued to sit idly by, but instead you have been working at getting back to school and that is definitely not something that a failure would do. You shouldn't dwell on past mistakes. I wasted a lot of time and finished late also. I think a lot of people have.

As far as the job thing, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that something comes up soon. Were you fired or were you laid-off? Either way, I don't think that would be the end all if you could give them a good excuse as to why.

I am rooting for you! Everything is going to get better!

JenRem

Oh darling :( I'm so sorry. The real world is no fun.
Is there any kind of go back to school program your city offers? In Michigan we have this thing called "no worker left behind" where they will pay for you to go back to school. Not a lot, but enough to help people out, especially those without jobs.
I wish you the best of luck and will keep you in my prayers. <3

R.

So sorry you're feeling this way. :( I hope things start looking up for you soon! xo

Nikki

Guess what...life is more dandelions than roses. You'll come out stronger because of it. No better day to change than today, and at least your understand your mistake instead of wondering what hit you. Hang in there. Cheese puffs and oreos are like therapy.

Kimbirdy

i hear you. it's actually really healthy to get all of this out of your head and luckily this is a safe place full of lovely people who like you. :) I always have to go through the suckiness before I have the energy or the clarity of mind to make things better. and that really sucks. so i really feel for you right now. vent away my dear. and then do something nice for our friend krysten! :)

also cheetos are amazing comfort food and i agree with looking into a temp agency job. i started at a temp agency when i first moved to SF and it turned into a real job that lasted for 3 years. you never know... but at the very least it will give you a little bit here and there.

With Love, Jamie

Don't ever be worried about being honest on your own blog! What's the point in not being real??? I'm sorry you are going through rough times, (just know you are not the only one, we are not made of money over here either...) Keep your head up, things always come around :)

pollydove

Oh the gloriousness of FOOD when you're feeling down!!!! Friday, after my daughter didn't make the dance team (each age brings about different heartaches, doesn't it?) we commiserated with drumsticks, ice cream dibs, chips ahoy cookies, AND oreos!!!

The hardest thing I have found is living with regret. I do, and I hate it because we can't turn back the clock - as MUCH as we'd like to!!!!

So, chin up, you're young and beautiful and things WILL get better! Best of luck in the job search though ... it's a tough market out there. :(

Cafe Fashionista

Krysten you are the farthest thing there is from a failure. We all feel like that sometimes, but the truth of the matter is that life pulls us in different directions, veering us away from our original path or plans - it doesn't make us a failure, it just makes us human. Cheer up, my love!! :)

*Mars*

mmm comfort food :)
I hope you start to have better days but I know how it is to just have days where you break down. It's ok. You'll get through it and look back and thing this was nothing because you were able to push through. One good place I've always found a job is through a company called office team. They have temp and temp-hire jobs like receptionist, administrative assistant, etc. I'm not sure what states they are in but look them up! They've always found me amazing jobs! Hope you have a better day!

C'est La Vie

that's my life once a month haha
at first i thought you may be blogging about your cycle hahaha

i hope things turn around here pretty soon!!

Kelly Leigh

I'm SO glad I stopped by your blog today! I have been unemployed since graduation (last may) and with the exception of a few short term things have had NO luck finding any real work! I can't even get an interview! And I haven't been fired, and I graduated with magna cum laude honors so I don't think your circumstances are giving you as many problems as you think, the economy just really blows right now - not that that makes it any easier. I don't have much advice for you, I just wanted to say that it sucks a whole lot and you're not alone. I think being unemployed (and in a new country) has been the loneliest phase of my life so far and I just wanted to commiserate with you. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you! Good luck!

THE ALTERNATIVE WIFE

I'm sorry that you're feeling so down. You're in a scary place right now but things have to turn around. And you will be better for having experienced this as crazy at that may sound. I was in a similar position years ago and it was a horrible experience to go through at the time but I can actually say that I'm a stronger person for it now and much better prepared to deal with any kind of adversity that happens to come my way. And believe me, I've had a lot :)
Sending a huge hug & kisses your way!!! xoxo

TaMs*

Boo. I'm sorry you're going through a rough spat. Sorry you're so blue. I'm thinking of you. xoxox

Elle

Sometimes you've gotta give in to the negativity to get all of the frustration out, so don't feel bad about that. I think we all focus on the "woulda, shoulda, couldas"at times, but it's important to remember that you can't change the past. All you can do is figure out what to fix now so the future will be better, and you're doing that-you've returned to school! Hang in there, lady!

Missy

ah i know how you feel sweetie. i find myself crying at least once a week over where my life hasnt taken me so your not alone. I know it's hard but you must trust that your time will come as you deserve it x

Missy
For everything about fashion:
http://thefashionfusion.blogspot.com

Shana

I could tell you that it's not your fault and that you are not a failure, but you're right...it won't do any good. You feel how you feel and what I say is not going to change that. I got fired from a job once and I know how you feel. It sucked and I kicked myself in the ass because it was a good job and I screwed up. I didn't want to hear it from anyone either.


Eventually I realized, though, that there was not one single thing I could do to change what had happened so I just had to move forward and make sure not to repeat my mistakes.

You will get there too. Remember that we all make mistakes and we all screw up sometimes. Just try to focus on the positive steps you are taking to correct what went wrong. Going back to school is a huge step and you should be very proud of yourself. A lot of people wouldn't do it. Now keep up the good work and things will start looking better soon.

Hugs!

gringationcancun

I agree with Smart-Ass Sara! Make sure you really sell yourself.

It will be fine. Don't worry.

SogniSorrisi

What a brave post. I don't know the details of your situation, but you sound motivated and committed to succeed, which is what any employer should want. You just need to get this across. It will happen for you and you are not a failure. This is just a minor setback, a blip.

Hutch

I've been dealing with the same thing since I lost my kick-ass job last year. For 10 months I had to go back to my parents to ask for money to help pay rent (they preferred that to me moving back home as did I), but at 28 no one should be having to ask their parents for financial help. I keep a positive outlook on the outside, but on the inside I wonder how long can someone be tested like this? So basically, you are not alone! Unfortunately, I've got nothing on how it gets better or advice to give. Although, I've found I often don't want to hear these things anymore.

Alissa

Sometimes we all need a good cry. Don't worry jobs are tough and you will get one. You're smart, beautiful and will make it happen. I've been there and hope I won't be there soon with the move. I'll keep you in my prayers girly.

Summer {Bisfor...}

just found your blog. i know how you feel. i do. i thought i was the only one in blogland that had a shitty life at this moment in time. ugh. hang in there. not much else i can say.

jozen

sorry you are feeling so down. will this make you feel better?

i chow down on a disgusting amount of cheetos for absolutely no reason at all.. at least you are justified in doing so!

Miss Anne

Sending you a big hug, and then sitting down next to you to eat cheese puffs too.

:)

~*~ saskia ~*~

Ooow, sending much positive energy your way, sweet Krysten. Hope you will feel better soon. xoxo

Sami

Yes, yes, yes. You're totally and absolutely justified in feeling the way you do. AND for posting it! We're always here for the happies, but also the sads and scareds too. Depressed days are kinda a necessity, but only once in a while.

You're not a failure. I'll be 30 this year and not only am I not using my degree, but I'm scraping by part-time as an office clerk. Certainly NOT where I envisioned myself! But life rarely turns out how we thought, so we take what we've got with what we've learned and roll up our sleeves and rock it out.

Awful and scary things may happen, but this too, shall pass. And you will be stronger for it in the future. ♥ Hang in there.

Wild and Precious

thanks for sharing your heart! i hate days like that!!!!

you are so sweet. praying the right job will come your way!!

Kristine

It's okay not always to feel okay.
We all have some of those days.

Hope you will feel bette soon ;)

Thoughts from denmark

Kayla

oh lordy lady I know how you feel. I'll keep you in my thoughts! And shoot me an email anytime you just need someone to vent to or even bitch too. I'd be happy to be a blog shoulder to lean on.

http://senseofstyleiseternal.blogspot.com/

Olivia Carter

I'm so sorry! That such an awful feeling, but I say let yourself cry & eat those yummy treats for a bit. Then you shake it off, brush yourself off, & got back to the grindstone. You may not find a job right away but you'll be working toward it & that will give you some accomplishment.

Hope you feel better soon!

amyblam.com

:( I know it sounds lame and not terribly helpful at this moment-but things really will work out. Honest.
I had a really awful terrible job where I worked for really awful shitty people and when it ended-I was scared but relieved. And after some looking and worrying, I ended up with my dream job.
It will happen, I know it. Which like I said, not super helpful now.
Today I ate every single carb in my house: crackers, chips, peanut butter captain crunch cereal, plain bread, etc..

Claire

The trouble with Blogland is everyone seems so Happy-Shiny-life-is-all-roses-and-white-picket-fences.
The truth is we all have crap to deal with but not everyone is as brave as you are about Blogging about it. So well done you.
The right job is there you just havent found it yet, and in the meantime cheesepuffs are everyones friend :)

kelly ann

oh, i wish i could give you a giant hug right now! don't believe the lie that you are a failure, because you're not. i'm so sorry you're in this rough place right now... i really appreciate your honesty. i'm sending you lots of positive energy and i hope things look up.

<3

Mara

try to stay positive! I know everything will work out. You are so sweet and determined and I know you'll find something wonderful! I'll be praying for you :)

Jada C.
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jada C.

Oh jeez. I feel exactly how you feel! Life may not be going your way, but pick your chin up and everything will turn out okay. (Cliche, but it's true.)

“Failures are finger posts on the road to achievement.”
C.S. Lewis

J.
www.teenvegetariansoul.blogspot.com

Ruth loves

Okay, cheese puffs and oreos? If only i could join you. I'm glad your putting your emotions across, i think it's about time people stopped living in a dream world, so its good that i can read about not only good stuff, but the negative too. You have to have a balance.

Hey, not that it's going to make you feel any better, but within the bad, good always comes out. You wouldn't realise how good things can be if there weren't any bad things.

I hope things pick up for you soon, i really do.

Love, Ruth

kate harrison

Sending you a big squeeze. :)

Meghan

Krysten, we are ALL here for you. And I hope you know that everyone has felt the exact same way. I think it's so natural to get stressed out about money - I do it everyday!!! But I do know that "this too shall pass" and things will get better. Sometimes things happen that we have no control over! So smile lady, because you are rich in love:)

Jaime @ La vie...J'aime

I'm so sorry to her you are down in the dumps... hopefully you can get out of it soon. Sometimes i find just wallowing for a bit and allowing myself to feel that way helps get back to happy land :)

PS: Great list at A Diary of Lovely!

Mrs. D

Personally, I find the crunchy Cheetos help me deal with bad days better than the Puffs. :) Just remember, "This too shall pass." Hugs, hope you're feeling better soon.

Boomka

Hey you! Eat as many oreos as you want. There is no such thing as too many oreos. you eat as many oreos as you want until you get the job you deserve!

Kristin

I'm so sorry. Hang in there. Try to have faith that a fabulous job is right around the corner. I know that can be tough. I've been there!

Monica

I read your post & could hear some of my thoughts there too. Well that was me (sort of) a few years ago & I believe we have/or will be there at some point in our lives. Things will get better! And thank you for sharing your honesty because its not always easy putting up a positive face. I know you probably have heard this already but trust me "things do get better". Sending you positive vibes & please stay positive because it attracts the same:) xoxo

Elaine

I can't imagine what you're going through but I have to say I've gone through low periods in my life and I've always found solace in prayer. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers!

Punctuation Mark

I know how you feel... you need to get out and surround yourself with people... I've been there and things did get better... don't ever lose faith!

Meg

Even if things look grim now, I believe they will get better for you. You just have to make it through the tough times. Whenever I am feeling down, I just try to think of all the good things in life like the people I love or even little things like the first flower I see in the spring etc. Hang in there!

chelsea rebecca

first of all i love your honesty. sometimes its not the easiest to be so honest. and you are an inspiration.
second these post is making me want cheese puffs! haha.
continue on and you'll be in my prayers!

Allyson

Well cheese puffs and Oreos do help to a certain extent. I'm here to testify to that! We are somewhat in the same boat right now, with Neal trying to get a job. Without his income, we will become destitute in not that long from now. It's hard because we make a plan and then it falls through. He goes on a job interview and then never gets called back. And he was basically fired, too...which is hard for him to admit and I think word has traveled around the state agencies. It just sucks all the way around. Sucks. Sucks. Sucks. Don't worry about putting on your blog what will make YOU feel better. We will always be here to read and support. So, just let it all out. And ((hugs, hugs, hugs))!!! And picture Robert Pattison naked. Sometimes that helps too. ;)

Audrey Allure

Aw, I hope you feel better soon. I'm sure you'll find a job in no time <3

Jess

I felt that way end of last year when I could not get a job to save my life. Uni wasn't going quite the way I had planned and was just feeling a bit like a failure compared to all my friends. We all go through that feeling even if it is not the same experiences that bring it on. Just remember you are not alone! I will certainly be thinking with you. And also make the most of the little things like cheese puffs (we call them twisties in NZ)! xxx

kirstyb

i love oreos they always cheer me up x

shari @ little blue deer

Oh Krysten, I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling so sad. It is SUCH a difficult place to be, and so many Americans are there right now, but I think it feels so alone, even knowing that lots of others are in the same boat. It's not like you get to talk to them. It is sure okay to be depressed and eat cheetos and cookies. You are so clearly creative and talented though, I know you want something regular, but I'm sure there are other artistic things you can do (like the coffee writing gig) to fill in the gaps. I will definitely pray for you though, and everyone that is in this situation. It is truly scary and terrible. Sending love your way.

Andhari

You're not a failure.

And you might don't believe it but I'm actually in your position. I have no job yet. Because I messed up a year at law school I have to clean out the messes and graduate late when almost everyone in my year is already off somewhere, graduated with their awesome jobs. All I can say is be patient, things will work out eventually as long as you keep trying. *hugs*

yours truly dear

first of all, roses are prickly so who needs em! also, after 2.5 months of not working my college graduated husband finally got a job at an alarm company answering phones for 9 bucks an hour. it blows, but it puts money on the table. isnt it funny how "real life" works out? i hope things look up my dear, because i ♥ you

hiking in stilettos

I am sorry for your frustration! I know that we all want to always be upbeat and positive in our blogs, but the truth is that we are still human.. we still have outside lives, and those lives just aren't perfect. It is nice sometimes to hear that the people's live we read about aren't perfect. So thank you for sharing. And for whatever it is worth, you are in my thoughts. Chin up, friend! :)

Heather Lee

I know what you mean. The last few days have been really rough for me. Everything and everyone has just been so frustrating lately. Crying sucks. It takes a lot out of me when I breakdown and cry; I'm honestly exhausted afterwards. Just keep hanging in there, things will eventually turn out. That's what I keep trying to remember.

Rhiannon Nicole

It will be OK. I absolutely promise. Please keep this post and look back on it months from to see how far you will have come by then. I believe in you. And it will be ok. Hang in there girlie! xoxo

Leah

We all go through some rough times... and I always believe that there is always sunshine after the rains. So hang in there my dear...this too shall pass. xoxo

micol zanzuri

gorgeus photos

Unknown Mami

You are just human. We all make mistakes and we all have a rough go at it.

It's also okay to acknowledge these feelings from time to time. "The best way out is always through."

Things will change and you are not standing still you are making strides. Be proud of what you have accomplished.