Monday, October 31, 2011

broken

You know what?  I have a lot of people hanging around me that act as if I need to bow my head and take whatever I'm given and just keep quiet and that's that.

Guess what?  I'm not making apologies for who I am.  I like to go to sleep early and I like it to be quiet.  I cry a lot and get emotional.  I don't believe that everyone has a clear life plan and what is good for one person is not necessarily good for EVERY person.

I make mistakes.  Sometimes I laugh too loud.  I speak before I think.  I put my trust in some people that maybe don't deserve it but I want to believe that most people are good at heart.  I believe that if you know you're right then you should stick to your guns even if you have people, people that you love, telling you you're wrong.

Right now I feel absolutely alone.  I'm not even writing this to get sympathy.  I don't want anyone to feel sympathetic for me.  I'm just stating a fact.  I feel alone.  There are so many people that I thought had my back and loved me and I'm finding out that all of that was conditional.  On the condition that I keep my mouth shut.  On the condition that I live my life on their terms and not my own terms.

I keep thinking that I've hit my lowest point and then something else happens that pushes me down even further.  And I keep wondering what else I'm going to have to endure.  I realize that some people have it worse.  But I'm the only one having to deal with MY life.  And right now my life is making me hurt.

I just wish I could see into the future so I could see when I will find some happiness again.  I wish I could see when the hurt stops coming.  I wish I could see when I stop losing people that I thought would always love and care for me.

I write this with such a heavy heart.  I don't want to write these sad posts.  I want to be strong and I want to be the girl that believes everything happens for a reason and I want to smile through the pain and remind myself that it could be so much worse.  But I just can't.

I think I'm broken.  And I have no idea if I can be fixed.

42 wonderful thoughts:

Vanisha @ Vanisha's Life In...Australia

You can and you will K.

It's hard, and sometimes you have to cry, and scream and break things, but it does get better. It HAS to, that's just how it is.

I've lost so many people who I thought were "friends" and now, now I'm so glad I did. It hurt then, but I'm sure it would have hurt so much more if they stayed in my life and continued to treat me like shit!

Sending you lots of hugs <3

Jess - PrettyPhysicist

I can't have said it any better than Vanisha just did. Just know that all your blog friends are here for you, and we aren't "fair weather" friends!

XO, Jess

Ang

your first commenter is right -
You'll get through all of this and the people you lose along the way will hurt, but in the end, it'll be for the best.
Cry your heart out if it makes you feel better, even if it doesnt... just cry. it's okay.

I'm sure you didn't expect this to be easy, now comes the hart part, it sounds like... all you can do is step up and stay strong. Don't live for anyone but yourself!

Cafe Fashionista

I think that the main way to fix yourself is simply to be you. Go out there and meet people as you. Not the person perceive you to be, or the person people want you to be, but the person you want to be. :)

giaghani

I'm sincerely sorry that you're going through such a tough period right now. **hugs** But you're getting through it and you will continue too and eventually, slowly, the days won't feel so long anymore and you'll find people that you can rely on again.

Low points are hard and challenging but so defining and you will come through brilliantly on the other side!

But in the meantime, the snack of your favorite choice, a good movie, and a cry are always welcome :)

amy b.s.

it will all get better. it always does, even when it doesn't seem possible. we know that because we've all been there. and at some point, no matter where we are in our lives or who we're with (or not with), we feel alone. but eventually, you put yourself back together.

Natasha

Last year, I felt completely broken and almost in the exact same position you're in right now, feeling alone and, to a degree, helpless to everything happening around me and yet not getting the love and care that you need right now during this time. Then, it began to get better. I started doing things for me and leaving those negative people out of MY world. I still have my hard moments but a lot more people understand that it's an honor that I am hanging around them. I feel better because I let myself feel what I needed to feel to get over to the better. You're not alone but I don't think anyone understands the way that you're feeling unless they're going through it or have gone through it. As a person who's gone through it, let the hurt stay a little while because the change is going to come. I love you.

SG to SP

Unfortunately it's the bad times that teach you who your true friends are. Never apologize for how you feel, focus on you, that's what most important right now.

Angela [Simply Simple Me]

I hate to see you going through such a hard time. I'm sorry. Things might not be good now, but eventually they will get better...even if it is hard to see that happening now.

On a lighter note: I tagged you in a post on my blog. Hope you feel better soon <3 xoxoxoxo

christa

I'm here for you! Even if I can't sit next you. :)

I can't say I know exactly how you feel, but I know what it's like to feel alone. It's hard, but things always turn around eventually.

It will all be okay.

annadrag

Hi Krysten!
Love this line that you wrote... I don't believe that everyone has a clear life plan and what is good for one person is not necessarily good for EVERY person.
I need to start realizing that too!!

Hope everything starts getting better soon!

Charis

Sweetheart I'm in pretty much a similar place to you right now... but I don't think that we're broken & I hope that we both emerge from this with a clearer sense of who we are & what makes us happy.

As for the people in your life... they come & go. Some are for forever but most are meant to be in your life for a purpose/a moment in time and then they are gone again.

Keep your head up, take time to notice the small things and gradually your life (& mine!) will hopefully lead you back to a happier place.

Sending hugs xxxx

Jamie Leigh

I SO appreciate your honesty and vulnerability in this post. You are such a strong woman just for the fact that you shared your hurt, pain, & brokeness with us. Things will look up, I know in hard times like this it seems impossible, but God has a plan for you. I want to share this quote with you, remind yourself of this everyday.

"If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it"

Keep your head up, sending you prayers and hugs!

sarah - dodeline design

You aren't broken. You are still wonderful, amazing you but life has gotten you down. It happens to all of us and I know you'll find your way out, but that's not to say it's easy by any means. We are all here for you and I am sending you strength in my prayers!

Melissa Blake

GO YOU! Such empowering words. :)

missy.

you are definitely not broken. i've been there hunny and now it is just barely starting to get better. but i still get these moments. i'm texting you. love you. xoxo

Elisse

You're right - don't make apologies for who you are and where you're at right now. Everyone just wants a piece of you - be this way, think that way, don't do this, why can't you be like that. Blah blah blah - you don't need this when you're already broken down by your own inner critics.

Yes, we would all like to be happy-happy bloggers who always talk about puppy dogs and rainbows. Well guess what - life ain't always that pretty, and I follow your blog because you have the courage to write, what others dream they could. Real life. And it's shitty some days, and a piece of heaven on others.

Yes, we could make a choice to "be happy" and not choose to be down, but hey - I was human being the last time I checked, so whatever - you're being honest about where you're at in this moment.

As for the haters and opinionated ones, all I can offer is that over time you hope to learn better ways to deal/cope/survive these people and crap they throw at you. Does it get any easier? In my own experience - not really. It's just a slightly different (but still difficult) experience each time.

Take care of yourself, Krysten!

Alexa

Oh sweetie. I was so sad to read this. I think (and I know it can be of little comfort, when you feel so alone), but I think that there are so many others who feel these same feelings and emotions. We all do at different stages of life. And it is so hard when you are in the midst of it. I've been there. And perhaps I will be there again. But I can say with confidence, that this too shall pass. I'm sending you a big ole hug! xo

Kristi

It is normal to feel this way while going through a divorce or other major life event, unfortunately this is the time when you also need the most support. No wonder you feel so let down when those people you need aren't there for you. Cry, scream, yell....whatever it takes. I would also suggest maybe finding a divorce support group. Keep yourself busy as the times at home alone are going to be the hardest.
Keep your chin up Krsyten and just know that you are NOT ALONE, you have many people that want to support you

Helena - A Diary of Lovely

Sometimes people should just focus on their own lives and living them as they please instead of judging others, sorry you are not at your best moment darling, hope you feel better soon xo

Dixie Bell Designs

I hate that you are having such a hard time right now. Things WILL get better.... and you just need to focus on the positive people in your life and what YOU need. Forget about the opinionated ones.... you're strong and you WILL get through this!

Mrs. Pancakes

the negative energy sometimes needs to be removed for positive energy to come your way Krysten! you are only human so it's ok to feel sad, make mistakes, be weak because in the same token you can be happy, succeed and be strong! sending you loads and loads of positive energy!

Erika

Ugh ... stupid distance friendships lol If I lived anywhere near you I'd come over with cheesecake b/c it sounds necessary!

Life's a dance we learn as we go. You are doing great! I'm sorry about the let downs of loved ones. That is never an easy thing or an overnight healing.

Someone told me recently that being broken in the best place to be. It's always true in hindsight.

You WILL have bad days, you will cry, you will be let down but you will also be mended & better than ever, with strong days, happy days & filled with lot's of love. Have faith friend, I know it's hard. XO

Erika

P.s. I think you need a vacay! A mini get away. If you can round up some gf's & do the damn thing. If you can't...shoot plan a trip to Cali & I'll show ya around!

Stephany

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I wish we lived closer because there are some of us who are sticking around and it's so awful that so many people in your life aren't.

Our lives have our dark days and I've been there where it feels like the good days won't ever come but they will, I promise. You just have to fight through the bad days to get to them. <3

Jessie Szmanda

My heart is breaking and my eyes are filling with tears. I am SORRY and I want to give you a huge hug.

So many people care and love you Krysten, please know you are not alone, and please email me if you need anything!! {{{hugs}}}

Islandia Lane

it took me a long time {maybe even still} to realize that I don't have to apologize for who I am or who I want to be. It is my life. It is your life and the people that don't respect that, don't matter anyway. It takes time to get there and you will always have ups and downs but it will get better.
Cliche :: Hang in there ;-)

la petite coquine

I don't know that you can make it through such a big change without hurt, but you are going to come out on the other side of this even stronger.

I lost a friend recently, and as devastated as I feel about it, I remind myself that if our relationship has fallen apart against my will, it was hers. Sometimes people you love and trust disappoint you-there's nothing okay or redeeming about it except that now you know where you stand. You are very much surrounded by friends here, and I hope you'll feel less alone when you're with all of us.

Dancing Branflake

I was listening to Dido this morning and she said a line I couldn't get out of my head, "I feel so alone I don't even want to be around myself anymore."

I thought that was such a sad yet insightful statement. Loneliness is crippling on so many levels. My heart does go out to you. You have so much to offer the world.

tara

Hugs. Lots and lots of hugs!!

Deidre

I am so very very sorry! I think it is 1000% ok to write about this stuff. Sometimes just writing it out gives that little bit of strength, that little bit of courage.

Because you can!

We've all got your back.

Dana

Sorry to hear your going through this and I think at one point in everyone's life, we really find out who our true friends/allies are. It seems bad now but it's for the best and who knows what can happen later down the road with a little healing on both sides. Hugs!

Shea

Although our situations were different I'm sure, I've been there. I know that alone feeling. And it will get better. Just keep being you, and surround yourself with people that make you feel better, not worse. Hang in there.

Sandy a la Mode

you sweetie! sorry to hear this. :( keep your head up and i swear good things will come around!!

kallaydoscope.com

You can be fixed! It just takes a lot of time. You're going through one of the hardest things you will EVER go through in your life. I'm here to tell you, even though it feels like things are getting worse and worse right now, eventually you'll get to have that freeing and elated feeling of things getting better and better.

When I went through my divorce, I learned who my true friends were, who I could trust, who I could lean on, and who just had to GO. Ridding myself of the garbage folks really helped me emotionally. You don't need toxic people in your life right now.

This is a hard day, and you'll have more of these, but it does get better darling! Keep your head up!

And get excited because tomorrow is the beginning of NaNoWriMo! :D

Elle Sees

it sounds like you and your brother are having problems. i'm sorry about that. never apologize for whoyou are. i had the lowest of the low year of my life (moving to new city, losing job, being unemployed for 8 mths, and way worse stuff) a couple of years ago. i kinda lost myself and it's like part of me died. BUT It really will get better. i am more like myself every day. things will get better.
Enter my Sift! Dessert Giveaway

Elise

I agree with a lot of what everyone has been saying... Don't apologize for how you feel! I believe that if you feel like crying- you should cry. If you are angry- you should be angry. If we don't act on our feelings and just keep them bottled in that is MUCH worse for us. I'm sorry you feel broken. Hugs your way.

Charlotte

Awwww, girl. I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain right now. Give in to the emotions. If you feel hurt/sadness, allow yourself to cry. The worst thing you can do is deny yourself of the way you really feel.

I am thinking of you and sending lots of love and light your way. XOXO

Chanel

FUCK. As I read this I have tears in my eyes at work. It's like you were speaking exactly how I feel inside. I hurt that you are hurting this way. I wish I could help. I wish there was a magic word to make it all go away. Time heals. That's one guarantee. I want to write something like this on blog..just expressing myself.

Smart Ass Sara

I wish I could be there for you right now, but for reasons I don't understand that isn't possible.

But I will tell you that in terms of family- I have found that it's best to let them be right and just quietly do my own thing. I don't want to fight with family and I'm not going to. I refuse to engage in it, I just apologize and let them be right. It makes the situation better and I think it really has nothing to do with me, I'm just there to target. And that's OK.

Selma @ Crazy Little World Of Mine

Very cliche or not, but writing always helps and I believe it makes you stronger. This blogger community is here for you. Trust me on this. I wish I could bet there for you girl, giving you a huge hug and help you out in anything. You deserve to be happy and smiling, and not crying and everything else involved in your miserable situation. I am so truly sorry. Sending you millions of hugs!

Erika @ Rouge & Whimsy

everyone is broken.

some people hide it very well.

some people think they hide it well.

a few brave ones air their brokenness.

and i think honesty in brokenness will help you be well.

praying for you!